All Alone

My Hubby's out of town. And I'm batching it for another day. And I'm gonna miss it.
That's terrible isn't it?
At least according to the "youngsters" at work. The older gang I run with is filled with ladies who understand.
They've been married a bit longer and so have a bit more experience in the closeness department.
Age brings the we-don't-need-to be-joined-at-the hip attitude. Oh, it brings something far from it. It brings the why-don't-you-take-that-out-of-town-assignment-and-bring-me-something-pretty attitude. And it brings it more and more as the years climb.
Or at least it does among us old Military wife types. We're used to having the Dudes out and about for long periods of time. When they're around too much, we get a bit too itchy or something.
It's nice to .... miss them once and a while.
Puts the spice back into the equation.
And gives us that precious time to ourselves.
Take me, for instance.
Hubs left Wednesday. I came home from the night shift and got sleep and then was up to do my thing. No one to disturb my plans. I did not one thing that night, but watch the TV shows I wanted.
Yes, I held the remote. I had the POWER! WOOHOO!
Got Thursday night off due to low patient population and spent Friday on appointments without being dead tired. Got home when I wanted.
Yeah, yeah, yeah; I shopped some.
Friday night met the Herd at the watering hole for a while.
Saturday, worked on My projects and watched CHICK FLICKS.
Today, doing what I want to while my back recovers from yesterday's projects.
In other words, I've done what I damn well have pleased and most of it in my pajamas.
But, the Princess turns back into Cinderella tomorrow about 1800.
Rats.
I've missed my man. But, 'tis been nice, nice to have control over all the space and gadgets. Plus all the DVDs. I've almost gotten half way finished with my chick flicks. And he'll be back before Sex and The City is out; 9/23/08. What's a girl to do?
I'm guessing after he's been back about 3-5 weeks; mmmaaayyybbbeee a little longer. I'll be going, "Honey, did the Boss mention the next time you we're going to have to be outa town? I'm needing something pretty."
OnceAgain

Day and Night

I have had the weirdest day. Or weirdest "night." I'm not really sure. Things get all discombobulated when you work the night shift. Day is night and night is day; relatively speaking. And sometimes, they're both?Last "day," we slogged our way through a hard shift and then it was home again. Thank goodness, my daughter called to chat. She helped keep me awake on the drive. Well, that and having the air conditioner down to 68 degrees.
Of course, once I got home and got the pets settled; I woke up. Wired. Could not get my self back in the sleep mode.
Absolutely, freaking great.
So I was up until about 11:00 AM. Then it hit. Fatigue. Exhaustion. One minute, I was working around the house, and the next, I could barely function. I felt liked I'd had a ton of the proverbial bricks land on me.
I let the pets out for one last quick romp and crashed.
And then it was 5:45. PM. And I woke up and I was completely disoriented.
Apparently, while I was "sleeping," I'd gotten up at some point and let the pets out, there was the tell; tell sign of Peaches' chew toy in the living area - she'd taken that out earlier. And they weren't dancing with the "urge" at the patio door. Sooo....
They got the usual light evening snack and let out again. I answered the phone call from Hubskins - he's on a business trip at the moment. But, I kept feeling like I had done some of it before.
I must've dreamed I had done this all or something, but it was like I was walking through the evening for the second time.
And I must say it was a bit disconcerting. Especially the part about not remembering letting the pets out.
Scary, huh? I'm wondering if maybe I did a bit of sleep walking. Which hasn't happened in......years?
Several times in my life; I've slept walked. And each time; I was in the throes of complete exhaustion. It was like I was so tired that even in sleep; I still couldn't completely "shut off." I would have to sleep walk and then I'd be okay after that bout was out of my system.
But the last time was 10-12 years ago.
I guess, I figured I'd outgrown it. Of course that was also that last time I worked the night shift, too. Oh, well.
Good news. The doors were locked, the cars were where they'd been parked before, I was still in my PJ's, so all was safe and sound.
Oh; and the dishwasher was unloaded. And...the washer had a load of clothes in it.
I hadn't done that before I'd gone to bed.
I don't remember doing that either. But, I guess if I'm going to have the rare bout of sleep walking; I should try and throw housekeeping and cleaning in there if I can.
Or maybe, I should just try lying down before I hit the wall and exhaust myself after a hard shift.
I'm so freaking stubborn. I make mules look like pushovers. That's probably not too good. But, I have just always got to go until I drop. Which is a bone of contention with me and Hubskins. He's always on me about burning the candle at both ends, etc.
However, this sorta threw me a new one. This was spooky, scary. I'm a bit too; let's use the word mature; for this type of escapade. And I shudder to think what would have happened if I'd decided I had to have a new pair of shoes or something.
It's one thing to take medicine and go off the deep end; but to do this because you choose to stay up past your bedtime is STUPID!
I quit.
So I figure; next time, I'll just lay down and read a book or something. Housework can wait. And maybe; I'll throw the key rings somewhere other than the hooks they normally hang on; just in case. Instead of figuring since while I'm wired, I'll make use of the time; maybe I'll blow it on a relaxing bath.
But whatever else happens; the next time I come home from a hard day's night as the Beetle's song goes; I'm turning it into a night of sleep.
OnceAgain

Bread and Circuses

I sat watching the news this morning and wondered if a prophesy I'd made a few years back was finally coming to fruition.
The Roman Empire is falling yet again.
Only this time, "we be it."
Merrill Lynch has been sold for pennies on the dollar. Lehman is sinking like the Titanic; taking thousands of poor souls' finances with her.
Ah, 'tis Doomsday; according to the naysayers.
And my friends are glaring at me because I shot my mouth off about some stuff and have continued to do so when I'm in a mood.
But, hey; it's all there for the World to see.
We overpay our Gladiators. We meet in huge arenas and boo and hiss or cheer wildly depending on our whim against or for our chosen stars. We worship insipid, insignificant stage strutter's. Our morals and ethics are in the toilet. We tax the middle class to death to support the teaming masses of poor and expect nothing of said poor and in fact continue in some cases, to tamp them down.
AND, I'm gonna get bashed for this one, we can not control our borders or laws and have become weak and ineffectual in today's World and World matters.
The United States is ripe for the plucking.
And the Muslim terrorists are idiots. All they have to do is wait for a decade or so and save up their monies and they can buy us up and do what they will.
Instead it will probably be the other Arabic Nations or Japan or China who owns us before long. Or has bought most of the Politicians that wield the real power.
Oh yeah, I'm chatting here about Congress.
The President can veto all he wants, some of the Bills will slip through, if only as pork.
So sit back and enjoy the ride; friends. There's a wind stirring and it's hot and dry. Not a bit of moisture to be found for the parched lips of the Citizens in this Country that thirst for the "way things used to be."
You know what I mean. When this Country was something more than a spectacle of bread and circuses. More than wanton excesses of a People that thought they were owed everything and had to give back nothing.
Back when the USA was on sure footing and my friends weren't glaring at me for the things I said.
OnceAgain

Halos

It was the start of my shift. And in that very moment, that instant; I knew; I was in the presence of another halo.
Some people, I'm told, think halos are glowing auras of light that surround the heads of mystical; ethereal figures. But, I don't. I had come to the belief that they were usually curls upon the heads of my patients.
Sometimes in my earlier career days, they were blonde and wispy, or darker and thick. They were on the heads of infants or small children. Precious, beautiful and perfect; no matter the age of their "gestation." Too soon born, or too soon to leave this world.
I could not stay in that area of Nursing. I was not that strong, not that giving. It brought me to my knees and rendered me a lesser person. I left a piece of myself not yet found back there; in that place. My heart? My soul? I don't know; I'm was and am too afraid to look.
With the aged, I've found the pain, of watching the halos on the pillows grow; difficult. It was no easier. There really was no respite. Even there, I've watched the halos grow; white or gray curls turning tighter; reflecting the grief of the Families involved.
So I've concentrated mightily on the comfort of the life left in the room. I've tried to lose myself in the fight, forget what I've felt and concentrate on the tasks at hand.
She was, my patient, losing the struggle with her war, fiercely fighting, but tiring, beginning to slow. Now, she could not find that position of comfort. Her voice testy, restless, moving, settling, moving again.
So I helped her move, plumped pillows for support. Medication for assist of breathing, gentle rubs to shoulders. A Daughter at bedside, "would it help if I rubbed her shoulders?"
"Of course. Whatever you can do that she likes."
I tried to smile; to encourage; to allay the fears in these last hours. Before I left the room to check on another patient, I hugged her. Not the patient; she slept at long last. But the Daughter.
We held each other for a long moment. Comrades in a losing war, but holding the trenches in comfort. Together we held the ground; if only for that moment. Rest, I told her. I'd be back in just a moment. Close your eyes, if only for 5 minutes.
And so she did.
And so it went throughout the night. Two steps back, one step forward. We lost ground, but our patient was safe. And we kept her comfortable. As comfortable as we humanly could. And together we plotted to make things better. How to arrange her meds, her bed, her routine, what tests to fore go. I wrote a long note (letter?) to the Doctor expressing concerns and requests for my patient.
And I watched as she curled, tighter and tighter. But, I had to try. If those were indeed to be her last hours; or days; she deserved care and concern and tenderness.
And my shift ground to a halt.
I went into the room one last time. My patient; my former patient had become restless again. The day shift Nurse and I both worked until she was calm and soothed. I couldn't just walk away without helping.
The Daughter turned to me and then without a word, we embraced. For a long, long moment we held each other. And I tried to give her the strength I had left. Her shift wasn't ending. She would need everything she could get.
"Thank you," she whispered.
I brushed a strand of hair from her forehead as I pulled back. "You're welcome. You take care. You and your Mom are in my prayers." And both of us welled up.
It was time to go. One last look; as the curls swirled ever tighter and I walked out. And in the parking lot, the tears blurred my sight. And there were halos in my vision, everywhere.
OnceAgain

Lin

I took Lin out for a jaunt Saturday. A girl's day. The two of us. I knew she'd want to go because the first item on the itinerary was a seminar on a subject we are both curious about and the second involved shopping.
The Girlfriend loves to shop. Doesn't buy much, but tries on, explores, bargain hunts, compares, takes notes, all of the above and more. For hours. Often in the same store/location, before merrily going her way, happy as the proverbial clam.
And since her diagnosis of the aneurysm, I like to get her to myself. Just the two of us. Quality time with my Gal.
So off we went.
We listened to the seminar. Ate a little, asked questions, oohed and ahhed at some pictures. Laughed and giggled a bit, too. Oh, made some sniiiidddeee remarks under our breath. We were generally bad.
And then... we were off.
We also laughed and talked and visited as we went into the shoe store. Tried on the shoes, evaluated the effect on our calves and arches. Decided if the bargains were truly, truly real. And I watched Lin teeter on some Jessica Simpson heels and nearly bust her ass.
I passed on THAT opportunity. This girl knows her limits.
Then onto a thrift store. Nothing there; oh the disappointment. But still chattering and laughing. And then to the Mall.
Now THERE we got into the fun.
For awhile.
It was when I took about five minutes in the dressing room try on some blouses, I got yanked back into our new reality. I went in and came out.
No Lin.
I couldn't find her anywhere. I called her name. No answer.
Mind you; this is a small, uncrowded Penney's.
And I have great lungs. You can HEAR me when I yell.
No Lin.
It was several, several long minutes before I found her. She was standing by a rack of clothing clear across the store. Just standing there, staring at, I haven't the foggiest.
It was not until I was very near, very near, that she responded to my voice. She seemed to blink and see me, to wake up as it were.
I felt like a mother who had found a missing child.
And so reality came back into our fun, girl's day out. The little vagueness I'd noticed before and excused, or attributed to her meds, or or or....
Now here it was and I was having my nose rubbed in it good.
Seizures? Petite mal's?
She'd mentioned "blank spots," but I'd reassured her that her meds could mess with her short term memory. I'd mentioned all the pressure of dealing with her illness plus those of her parents.
Now I wonder. Was I really trying to reassure her? Or me?
All the bravado I'd blustered, all the rah rah rah cheerleader crap to push and pull her and her Family through this, and here it was.
Lin has a finite condition. And it isn't going to get better. It has side effects that can have detritus consequences in the meantime.
It's time to get out of the Ivory Tower and deal with this realistically.
And for one freaking thing; next time we go out; I stick to her like glue.
What if she'd truly seized? Or if the damn thing decided at that particular moment to leak, or God forbid; burst?
It is time for me to step up to this plate and grab the bat. I am her medical alert when we are out and about.
And if I am truly her friend; I must face the ugly reality of our lives and start taking better care of her and keeping her safe.
And maybe if I get really lucky and do a better job, we'll get to have a lot more of these girl's days. And you know, the Girlfriend loves to shop.
And I love the Girlfriend.
OnceAgain

Labor Day Weekend 2008

It started out innocently enough. Just a few days camping and boating with with friends. And I was so looking forward to this. Lots of fun in the sun. With the proper sun factor for me, of course.
I knew Hubby wouldn't get out on the boat again. He's not the water type, but with football starting and a lake house to ensconce himself in, he'd be fine without us.
All was to be well.
We got to the Campground. They call themselves a "resort." Sssuuurrreee.
Our site was 25 feet back through mud and grass to the electric and water hook ups. And the water connect was in the ground buried in the dirt. Not to mention, we had to manvuer around a sign and 2 huge 13 foot plus tree trunks lying on their sides to get to the "push back," point. And then go up a strip of loose gravel that placed the RV off kilter.
Fun.
Tommy took 30 minutes backing into his site because of a tree stump, home made porch, and the "audience." I had to warn Bobby Jimmy to move his golf cart 4 times to move out of the way. 3 times I was polite. The 4th time I smiled through bared teeth and told him he'd much rather talk to me than to Tommy.
He left. We missed him so.
Don't get me wrong. Country Folk are the best in the World. Usually. But these people were something else. Idiots. I've never met anyone like them. It was like they went out of their way to make us unwelcome.
As a matter of fact, I think that was exactly their intent. Most were obviously homesteading. And this in a RV Camp site.
There were 3 areas in this Park, and it was very full. The one we were in, we discovered after we investigated, wasn't the most pristine or nicest of the 3.
Nor were the sites, the ones we were told we would be given when our friends obtained them for us. Hmmmm.
And then we bebop in there and try to invade and set up. So they got in the way; had their dogs running loose and in their way; and then parked their boat trailers and vehicles in the way.
Welcome to South Sauty.
Then to add insult to injury, just as we get there, we get a good old fashioned gully washer. It stormed like Hell. We had a muddy mess.
Yep, dog poo - no one leashes or picks up after the little - or big - curs; and mud.
You have to laugh at all this and we did.
So I smiled and said hello and was as nice as I could be to all. Killed them with kindness. Probably made them a nervous wreck, but not my fault. I figured if I was the polite and sweet sort, they'd be too suspicious to do anything 'cause they'd figure I was up to something and keep and eye out for me.
Seemed to have worked. They were; reluctantly; nice back. Not sweet, but they spoke and then sorta scooted away.
It kept me amused at any rate.
And the time on the boat, floating in the Lake; grilling at the lake house and chilling with friends? Heaven!
So see? It was all in all a good weekend. And we learned not to camp THERE again. So all was not lost. And I got to fish and play with Wendy's pups. They are adorable.
And one of my football teams won. The other? Who the Hell scheduled Hawaii against Florida? After we lost June and Colt Brennon?! Are they freakin' crazy? I hope they got a ton of money for the Athletic Department.
If not that yahoo is guilty of stupidity. Or a really bad weekend for some good kids.
Guilt. We're back to that. Or maybe not. My innocent weekend? It turned out OK. If I'm guilty of anything? Too much fun and sun on the boat, fun and good food with friends, and enjoyment of good weather and pretty scenery after that storm.
Maybe we just had to ride out the storm, clear the air and ignore the ignorant.
And if that was the case. Then we were guilty as charged.
OnceAgain