Will My Real Daddy Please Stand Up?

The last few weeks have been amazingly painful. I have experienced them almost as if I have been viewing the events from outside of myself looking down, or perhaps, from standing aside. In either case, it has been discomfiting to see this person going through the throes of pain and near agony of her realization as she comes to terms with her true "Daddy. My parents divorced and separated; no really - separated; when I turned 12. One month Dad was in the vicinity and then, "POOF!", gone. He'd moved away for a job or some such reason and that was that. We saw him a couple of years later for a few weeks in the summer and then there was another drought. That became the standard, the pattern. He'd dip a toe in our lives every 3 or 4 years. A weekend or so. Then those times stretched out further and further. A one point, until I reached out and made the effort, the contact, we had nothing but the rare occasional phone call; maybe Christmas card; for 15 years. And those were because I'd had children; his grandchildren. When we did meet up after that time, he kept introducing me as his, "Daughter that I haven't seen for over 15 years." I remember how I appeared to just smile it off and paid no attention. But I was inwardly pissed. Who's fault was it that we'd been so estranged? HIS. I was always the one making the overtures, the gestures, the entreaties. He was just the recipient. And then it was still always on his terms. ALWAYS. And so we bumped along. Just coasted and made do because that was all that could be done. Again, is terms. In the meantime, the child, real childish part of me, invented this persona to fill in the gaps for the missing man known as "Daddy." In my mind the guy that was gone was gone because he was doing all the wonderful things on his job jaunts. He was a bush pilot. He ferried planes to South America. He worked for Bell Helicopter in Vietnam and endured the Tet Offensive. Any letter that came, I took the stories he shared and made the bits of information into novels of grandeur and adventure. Made the missing link larger than life. Made Clark Kent into Superman even though he never once took off the glasses or ran into a phone booth or changed into the suit and cape. And I know it didn't cost him a cent when the Summer unfolded as it has. But it cost me. I watch him crash and burn as I spent more and more time around him and he never thought to try and hide his true persona. Not that he could. You see, my Father is arrogant, self-righteous, staid, controlling, and manipulative. And after I finally got my act together and stop letting him push my buttons so much; he's had fits. He does not like that I've decided to reassert myself in my own home. He's become bitter and resentful that I've returned to my job. He's done any and everything to try and wedge between myself and my husband. And each time he's foiled, he tries harder the next time. And there's absolutely no reason for it. I already resent him enough as it is. I've gone from taking care of my Dad to taking care of my Father. He's become just an obligation. His constant need to make life difficult and do whatever he can to take over and rule my home even while in the midst of purchasing his own? Well, it has not done anything to endear him to either me or my hubby. He's purchasing his own place, but when any papers or correspondence come to him - he hands to stuff to the Hubby. Doesn't look at it, just hands it over. He doesn't want to deal with it. Doesn't say please or will you look at this for me or I need help or or or , just hands it to Hubs and moves on along. He expects it to be taken care of. But Lord forbid we tell him there's a hold up or something isn't ready yet. A hew and cry erupts like you wouldn't believe. I finally got that to cease by warning him, one more gripe and he was handling it all on his own. And he would do it from a hotel. Enough was enough. And oh, by the way, I'd better here him tell my husband thank you every time he assisted the Old Man with any part of the new home anything. When he squinched his face up to protest, I leaned in and flat told him, you mess with me, fine, you mess with my guy, back up an reconsider your options. Hubs has been real good to you and he deserves respect. Hand it over Bub.

Out of Time

How do we get so freakin' busy? I have meant to get back here every day and have failed. Absolutely failed. Time just rushes by and then it's another day. Another missed chance. Time has become more precious as of late. We're older now so it seems to pass faster. The sun rises and sets quicker. Years are shorter. New Year's was just a few weeks ago; wasn't it? Of course not. It just seems that way. And my father has become a "time liability." He moves slowly, he refuses to make decisions, he forgets the decisions he has made, and he angers easily about appointments being made around the schedules of other people. Dad is Dadcentric. Never mind that he doesn't want to drive, (thank God), or go anywhere by himself, but he expects you to schedule everything when he wants it scheduled. Now if you ask him when that would be...anytime. Except when you scheduled it. And so the days zip by and suddenly I'm faced with the fact that I've failed to post yet again. Which is what led to this. Write something! Let them, yourself, anyone, and everyone know you're still kickin'. I'm still kickin'. And still trying to grab time by the tail and make it slow down, just a bit, so I can catch up and enjoy the moment. OnceAgain

Living with the Elderly

Good Lord, I knew it had been awhile, but this long? Really?! I guess so. Apologies. I've really been letting things get away from me. Look what happens when you get sick and stop with things and start with others. My life is so out of control. I guess I can go back into my email files and use some of those as "catch ups." Or not. We'll see. But right now, I'm on leave from my teaching job with my Dad living with me. I brought him East from California after my Stepmom passed away. It isn't easy living with an elderly person. Believe me. I knew from what I had seen my Patients and Friends go thru, but to experience first hand is something else. Hell. Dad is difficult. I know he's just lost his wife of 43 years. I know he's moved across the Country. I know he's living in a strange home and not under conditions he'd like. I know; I know; I know. But he's also playing games and trying to manipulate us (myself and my husband) to get his way and to play us off against each other. He's like a child with his parents. Tell Dad 1 thing and Mom another and watch them as they get frustrated and angry (hopefully from the "kid's point of view). I guess it's a fun for him. Not for us. We are standing united. He hates that. Hates it. To move him out here was a nightmare. He changed his mind as to where he wanted to settle about 5 times. Meanwhile I just kept packing up the house. 1 box at a time. He packed and unpacked and repacked his bedroom. 5 boxes for 2.5 weeks. Oh, yea! Occasionally, he ventured out to his workshop and played out there. It was a tiny thing and he claimed he did a lot of packing. So why was there a panicked tape attack on the contents the day we packed up the Uhaul? And when it came to paying for all of this as he promised - remember, I'm on sabbatical (no pay)and Skip's between job's(no pay)- he tried to back out. "I never ask you to do all this." Oh, yes he did. He begged us to do this. He didn't want to stay in that house with all the memories. He cried and ask us not to leave him alone on the West Coast by himself and said he'd pay for everything. He just needed us for the logistics and muscle. As if I'd leave my elderly, forgetful Dad like that. I mean, come on. And we still used $3,000 out of our savings to help when we least could afford because he's our blood. And we've yet to receive a thank you or even a grunt of gratitude. So he is here, and he did write a check so we can pay our bills another month. But he is pouty about it. And today he's out and about with my husband. He was acting frail, but Skip gave him the "eye." Suddenly all was better. Amazing. A cure with a look. This is going to be some adventure. I may pull my hair out. OnceAgain